Nothing rejuvenates the post-draft football world quite like a roast of the greatest player of all-time.
Predictably, Sunday night’s Netflix live-production special, “The Greatest Roast of All Time,” set the internet on fire as the world witnessed legendary quarterback Tom Brady be brutally roasted by a group of his closest friends and former teammates.
One of the highlights was an awkward moment where Brady appeared to take offense to a joke made by “Roastmaster General” Jeff Ross.
The joke was a humorous dig at New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s embarrassing 2019 incident where he was caught “visiting” a low-end massage parlor.
“Tom became a Patriot, moved up to New England, and on the first day of training camp, that scrawny rookie famously walked into the owner Robert Kraft’s office and said, I’m the greatest decision your organization has ever made … Would you like a massage???” Ross joked.
While the joke drew laughs from the audience, Brady appeared unimpressed and approached Ross in the middle of his set, telling him: “Don’t say that sh*t again.”
Impressively, that was the one and only time that Brady seemed to get agitated during the roast. (Although some people believe Brady was just kidding around himself.)
Regardless, he did come to his old owner’s defense which was quite interesting no matter how you look at it.
Several comedians – including Kevin Hart, Nikki Glaser, and Bert Kreischer – took turns shooting their arrows at Brady … As did the GOAT’s former teammates – among them were Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman, Randy Moss and Drew Bledsoe.
The always-funny Edelman was one of the biggest stars of the night … He joked that the next time a group of ex-Patriots that large would come together would be “at Kraft’s funeral.”
When Kraft took the stage, he made sure to fire back at Edelman, saying: “Julien, I’m not inviting you to my funeral.”
Edelman saved his best material for Bill Belichick who somewhat surprisingly made an appearance at the roast.
“Remember when (Belichick) used to yell at us, “Look assh*les, the f*cking kids down at Foxborough High can make that f*cking play … I’ve been waiting for this for so long: Look assh*le (Belichick), Foxborough High’s the only job offer you f*cking had!”
Speaking of Belichick, he delivered a nice dig of his own, indirectly (but directly) aimed at Kraft.
“I’m so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix, not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the 10-part Apple doc,” Belichick joked, referring to “The Dynasty” documentary.
Despite publicly denying it, Kraft reportedly had a great deal of influence over the documentary and purposely had Belichick portrayed as “the bad guy.”
While they played nice together last night, it would be foolish to deny that there’s still bad blood between Kraft and Belichick – and likely always will be.
Overall, Brady was a terrific sport about everything and took all of the brutal blows with smiles and laughter.
Virtually nothing was off the table. (Although it was surprising that no one took a shot at Brady’s well-documented hair transplant and rumored plastic surgery.)
Plenty of ruthless jokes were aimed about Brady’s past relationships with both Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen.
“Single life is what you deserve because you had no choice,” comedian Kevin Hart said. “Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire, or we’re done’ … Let me tell you something: When you got a chance to go 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the f*ck you gotta do … You know what that’s called, Tom? That’s called real sh*t. F*ck them kids.”
Hart roped in Belichick, Brady’s coach for 18 seasons with the Patriots.
“The world knows that you left Bill Belichick high and dry, man,” Hart said. “You left him and then you went to Tampa, and you won a championship. You left Bill Belichick with Mac Jones … You f*cked your coach. But let me tell you something … That’s what you gotta do to maintain your happiness. You understand, you sometimes gotta f*ck your coach. You know who else f*cked that coach? Gisele. She f*cked that karate man.”
That was an edgy, borderline low-blow shot at Brady, of course referencing his ex-wife’s romance with her jujitsu instructor (who was once friends with Brady).
“What an idiot,” Hart continued. “I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom, one of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight f*cking karate classes a day … The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everybody should have known it.”
(!!!!!)
Comedian Nikki Glaser also threw Brady’s baby momma Bridget Moynahan into the fire. (Brady infamously left Moynahan while she was pregnant back in 2006.)
“Tom, you’re the best to ever play for too long, you retired then came back then retired, I get it … It’s hard to walk away from something that isn’t your pregnant girlfriend,” Glaser brutally joked. “To be fair, he didn’t know … He just thought she was getting fat.”
Former teammate Drew Bledsoe, who Brady famously replaced at quarterback, got his long-awaited dig out at the man who many feel (fairly or unfairly) is responsible for derailing his career.
“Two things I’ve experienced that you never will, Tom. Being drafted as 1st pick in the Draft and celebrating a 28th wedding anniversary. That was yesterday, Happy anniversary, babe,” Bledsoe joked to Brady.
Also adding to the relationship discussion was Kim Kardashian who was viciously booed when she took the stage.
“I know there were some rumors of Tom and I dating, and I’d never say if we did or not, I’d just release the tape,” she said, poking fun at her leaked sex tape with Ray J.
“But I do know it would never work out,” Kardashian continued. “An ex-athlete, high cheek bones, silky hair… you remind me too much of my stepdad now. Part of me thinks you’d want to undress me just to try on my clothes.”
Hart was hilarious throughout the night and poked fun about the fact that the roast was being held at the Kia Forum rather than the Crypto.com arena in downtown Los Angeles.
It was low-hanging fruit for Hart but he couldn’t resist knocking the meat-ball out of the park when he roasted Brady for his failed cryptocurrency venture with FTX.
“You’re saying, ‘Guys, why didn’t we go to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?’ … Well, the reason why we didn’t go there is because he didn’t want to remind Tom’s fans of how much money he owes them. He f*cked those people … F*cked ’em good, didn’t he?” Hart joked.
Another highlight included actor Will Ferrell’s reprisal of his famous Ron Burgundy character from ‘Anchorman,’ who gleefully reminded Brady of his two Super Bowl losses to Eli Manning and the New York Giants.
Brady was well known for his fierce rivalry with Peyton Manning, but it was brother Eli who was the biggest Brady killer of anyone.
The old saying rings truer than ever, “don’t dish it if you can’t take it.”
To Brady’s credit, he handled everything as well as you could last night. It was actually quite impressive being that many of the jokes were very personal in nature.
But he took it all, which means he could rightfully dish out a few shots of his own…
“I know Kim (Kardashian) was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.” Brady joked at Kim in reference to her ex- Kanye West.
“Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite, I used to say ‘the next one.’ But now that I am retired, my favorite Ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house a few months ago. Hey, you still go it. Respect baby,” Brady joked at Belichick who was infamously caught on a Ring camera shirtless while making a good old-fashioned “walk of shame.”
Some of the other highlights of the night included the following jokes…
-“Tom brought Boston with him tonight. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. This used to be the home of the Lakers; now it’s the home of the Quakers.” – Kevin Hart
-“It’s been two years since Tom has gotten divorced. And since then, Tom’s been f*cking. Tom has been putting that two-inch tool to work. Tom has been f*cking so much, his d*ck has gotten CTE.” – Kevin Hart
-“Gisele is here as Antonio Brown’s plus one.” – Kevin Hart
-“You guys gave me 60 seconds (to roast Brady) … My name is Dana! Is that not trans enough for you liberal f*cks!” – Dana White
-“I’ve just come from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.” – Jeff Ross
-“I had to dress like OJ because I’m about to kill this white b*tch right here.” – Jeff Ross
-“You look like a vampire that only drinks almond blood.” – Jeff Ross
-“I really wanted Kevin (Hart) to host because he already looks like a deflated football.” – Jeff Ross
-“I love you, Dana … You’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” – Jeff Ross
-“Why the f*ck didn’t we cheat when I was there?” – Randy Moss
-“I love your movies, or as I like to call them, short films.” – Nikki Glaser (on Kevin Hart)
-“Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu,” – Nikki Glaser
-“Your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” – Nikki Glaser
-“That’s why Dana (White) is here, so you can learn how to f*ck a Brazilian out of half their purse. Sorry, that was a Gisele quote” – Andrew Schulz
“I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” – Julian Edelman
-“ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell.” – Andrew Schulz
What did you think of the roast?
Who was your favorite roaster of everyone?
What was the single-best joke of the entire night???